How do to deal with waiting?

“If I am always waiting, I have little time for being.” Yung Pueblo

I received an email notification that my chart had been updated. So I took a deep breath and logged on. When I saw that my thyroglobulin was elevated (from 17.1 to 26.7ng/mL), it destroyed me. After all of the crap I went through with my surgery, I was expecting a different and lower result. I messaged my doctor right away, feeling adrenaline racing in my body for fear of needing more treatment, scans, surgery, etc…. I was starting to feel my breath shorten at the thought of my surgery being “for nothing.” All of that trauma not even making a difference. I feel helpless— like I can do everything right, and still have it all go wrong. So… what do I do?

I called up my friend Mark, and said “siren emoji— I think I need a distraction wild night. Margaritas and good conversations.” He came within 10 minutes— I laughed at how much our days randomly aligned when I needed him most, and we were off in no time at Rooftop Cantina in midtown, celebrating life, dancing in our seats, and laughing at the whole matter. It worked. I was distracted for a while! I cried when the mariachi band sang Happy Birthday and Cielito Lindo.

The nurse called me the next day. She said it is either because of surgery inflammation or residual cancer. It’s news that didn’t necessarily make the waiting any better. She wants me to increase my medication dose to 7 days a week, come back for a PET scan in July, and get my blood tested in 3 weeks. So nothing terrible. Nothing dramatic. BUT. Once again… I am invited to live in this space of waiting. Waiting to see how big the tumors are in my lungs. Waiting to get lab results. Waiting to see if the cancer has metastasized to my brain or spine. Waiting for healing and inflammation to go down.

As I type this— I notice my body tense up.

I will continue to investigate how to deal with waiting. How can I find peace in this chaos? How can I help others find peace in this chaos? I am reminded of my former self— 10 years ago, I gave a TEDx talk. What I said then was— “How do you remain standing when your life starts to spin? You choose to be something. Choose to be anything.” In other words, you acknowledge the full chaotic situation and what is out of your control. Then you make a declaration of who you will choose to be here and now. I chose to be brave and vulnerable on that stage. I’d say it worked! I went through a difficult time with more ease, and went into the surgery like “LETS DO THIS!”. I transformed my waiting in dispair to being present….? I still have questions though…. like… can it be immediate? Or is it a slow process? How can community help? What mindfulness practices work best? And then…. how do you live authentically to what you declared? How do you upkeep the declared being in a world that wants nothing but to conform you into a workaholic-addicted citizen of a capitalistic society? Oy. Life.