patience in being "here "

Healing is weird.
The waves it comes in. Some days I feel like super woman, waking up early, running 3 miles, taking all of my vitamin supplements, answering emails. Other days, it feels like the trauma happened yesterday. The pain feels so fresh, my body feels so heavy, and the littlest word, phrase, or silence can just spark a waterfall of emotion.

I have an understanding of e-motion as energy that is asking to be moved. Today I had a conversation that triggered me, so I took out a timer and I told myself, Okay, Brianna. You can do this. Move out that energy. I am going to give you 3 minutes to cry your eyes out. Go!
I cried. I sobbed. I hugged Juliet. She looked at me confused. I hugged myself. I laid down on the floor. I breathed deeply. When the timer concluded I had two thoughts. 1. I think I need more time, and 2. Why does crying feel so much like laughing?
My face was puffy and wet with tears, as Juliet licked my face with curiosity. I think I could have kept going. But I also need to work on my grading and homework. Life responsibilities. Thank goodness this is the last week of the semester. I need a break.
I am trying my best to be present. I am not where I want to be post-surgery and break up, but I am here. Here in this weird healing grey space of “what the fudge monkeys am I doing and where the hell am I gonna live and how the hell am I gonna make this work?” And I am doing my best. Comparison to my past is hurtful. Measuring myself up to my peers is also detrimental. I feel like the Universe is training me to move forward in my own lane at my own speed, keeping my blinders up.

Another thought that keeps coming up is how important a social media presence is for my career, yet how detrimental it is for my mental health.
I will admit that being and posting as “BriPositive” feels quite fraudulent at the moment. Social media is a psycho game we (artists) all play because we feel like we have to stay relevant and exist for people. But it has swung out of control into this addictive trap of popularity, comparison, and a celebration of false and edited identities. That being said, I am taking a break from the socials to get myself in a healthier mindset.

onward. better days are ahead. and more sunny scooter rides. :)