So today I took an psychedelic drug called 5-MeO-DMT. Here is a Forbes article about it in case you want to learn more.
I first heard about this crazy toad healing substance while attending a dinner party to celebrate the launch Dr. Azra Raza’s book, The First Cell. There was a young woman there by the name of Alison, whose pure heart and light tapped into my soul when she told me about the healing work she is up to. I also spoke to her father that night, a fellow cancer survivor, who told me, “It’s like nothing you will ever experience…. I recommend it for everyone who has gone through cancer. What takes years of therapy is taken care of in one session. And with my daughter as my guide, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.”
What he said, spoke to me. So naturally, I reached out to Alison and booked an appointment for my trippy toad experience. This was March 2020, so naturally that didn’t happen. So when I saw an email pop up in my inbox 2 weeks ago, I had to inquire and reach out.
There was a slot open in Sonoma, California. So I said—LEHGO. It’s time for some healing.
Little bit about me. I don’t do drugs. I couldn’t even have a conversation about drugs because I just don’t know about them. I know people like to “roll” at parties to loud synthetic music. I have never taken part in and have never been interested in that scene. What does interest me though is mushrooms, especially after reading “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan. In all honesty, I have not finished reading it, and I am cheating and listening on audiobook… but the chapter on Mushrooms blew my brain open. This article also peaked my interest in the world of healing plant medicine and psychedelics.
Arriving in Sonoma, California was 90 min drive. I had time to stop by the local bookstore before heading to the home where it would take place. Alison and her dog, Zia, greeted me with the kindest spirit. The pup rested her head on my feet at the table where we sat, as Alison explained the details of the treatment to me. She used the phrase “ego-less, death-like” place to describe the sensation, which gave me a chill and made me think of my Nana.
Then I came into the space where the treatment would take place. I took off my shoes and made my way to the center of the room, where a large white blanket was spread with a pillow. A giant beautiful antler chandelier hung above me, and the space smelled like sage. A woman named Celeste saged me down, and then Alison went through the breathing procedures.
I took my first deep breath in, freaking out on the inside about what was going to happen. 2nd deep breath. What this would all feel like? 3rd deep breath. What if I start screaming and looking like a crazy person ripping off my clothes or something?! Alison lights up the crystals and I inhale the toad medicine smoke. I breathe too fast, even though she told me to do it slowly… so then I slow it down. then stop. Fear that I am doing it wrong. Fear that I am a bad drug taker. haha inhaling… and then I let go.
What happened next I am still trying to sort through. I was gone. All that is Brianna Mercado was completely absent. It was just my soul. My life force. I recall a kaleidoscope effect. Seeing and experiencing this spiral and twist of vibrant colors. But being within and among the shades and movement of it. Falling back, spinning back away from it. My body wants to move and twist as I describe it. And then I recall a sensation of holding on to something. The best way I can physicalize it would be like switching my head back and forth as if being pulled in two different directions. One path was the truth, and ugly, and scary, and the other was like an old way of being, my ego, a way of acting. I was guided to push through and made it, and then my favorite part… Peace. Serenity. Just a feeling of complete vastness and infinite Love. It doesn't look like anything… it was a powerful sensation felt throughout my entire body. All-encompassing, powerful, beautiful, and infinite.
Now… I will stop here to say that I know that I sound like a total hippy saying this. So I will say this: As human beings, we are limited by our worldly senses and minds of reasoning. The language we have doesn’t work to describe the unspeakable things in this world. The word “Infinite” itself is limiting. It’s an 8 letter word that means “to go on forever”… but what does it really mean? What does Infinity feel like? Now, after this experience, I know!
I started coming back to my body. It literally felt like I died and came back to life. (Studies I read about later told me that the brain actually fires the same way when you die as when you take this compound.) It was in a peaceful, beautiful way. Not in the scared or traumatic way. I felt lighter. I felt connected to the core of the earth. Rooted like a tree. I also feel my tailbone/head connection powerfully through my spine, energy flowing like bright lava through my bones and in my veins. Laying in corpse pose, with my palms up, I feel powerful waves of emotion, so I allow the tears to flow, connecting to my breathe and where my body feels tension. I feel my ego come back on full blast, “What happened to you? What did you just do? Ooo man…. make sure you lay still. Be good! Don’t cry too much! Okay just kidding, let it out… O wait… they may be watching you.”
My earthly tether came back. I am asked how I am doing by a soft gentle voice, and I awaken and sit up. I give Alison a hug, and I thank her so much for this experience. In the weeks to come, I may experience more of it in my dreams and while meditating. Honestly, I look forward to it. Healed people, heal people. And this is why I am here. On this planet.
I wanted more than anything to celebrate love and squeeze Juliet as soon as I returned home. I took a little excursion to the Golden Gate Bridge on my way home.
I am proud of myself for doing this. The extent and risk at which I go to heal myself is admirable, and I see that now. I have a renewed love for myself. Love and respect for my life and all the beings in it. I also know that if that is an ounce of what death feels like, we are all going to such a wonderful, peaceful place and have nothing to fear. Life is for living. Living is only possible with Love. And lucky for us, Love infinite.
