Today is June 3rd: National Cancer Survivors Day. Today also happens to be my "Cancerpalooza Day," the 12 year anniversary of hearing the words, "You have cancer." Today, I honor my many friends and family members who have courageously battled this disease.
I guess now would also be a good time to update the social media world with all I am going through at the current moment...
(Disclaimer: I share in hopes to inspire, help, or connect to someone else fighting a similar fight. I DO NOT want you to feel sorry for me or get any special attention. In fact, I have waited for so long to update people in fear of those concerns.)
The Update:
My cancer has increased since my scans 6 months ago. And not by a little like last time... It basically doubled in size. My doctor is concerned, and so she ordered a new set of scans and blood tests for me 3 months from now. She warned me that my cancer is super aggressive compared to most thyroid cancers she encounters. She even acknowledged that it is probably so aggressive because of the radiation and chemo I received to cure Cancer #1. -_- Go figure.
The sucky part is that there isn't really a "cure" for me... besides possibly cutting it out (aka surgery). I already underwent a MASSIVE amount of the typical radioactive iodine therapy a few years ago, which works with most thyroid cancer patients... but not for me! I guess that makes me special...?! Based on my recent CT scan and ultrasound reports, there are 5 small cancer nodules in my body: 3 in my thyroid bed, 1 in my spine, and 1 in my lung. Oy... Not good.
So how are you feeling? ( That is the most common question I get.)
To be honest, I am tired. I want to it to be over. I have been dealing with cancer for 12 years of my 27 year life. The doctor visits, needles, scans, blood tests, chemo, radiation, crappy insurance companies, CT scans with that toxic stuff they inject into you, the ultrasound goop, injections, waiting rooms, hospital bills... it's a lot to deal with. I try to take each day one day at a time, because if I look at the bigger picture I get a little overwhelmed and upset. I keep reminding myself that despite dealing with this crap, I am still very lucky in many ways. For instance, I am not in any pain, and I have a functional and strong body that allows me dance and teach. I am so so so so thankful for that.
I have taken time to meditate and reflect on what my next steps should be... and since the western medicine cancer treatment plan has only made my cancer proliferate and grow more aggressive, I feel it is time to dive deeper into the world of nutrition again, specifically the Ketogenic Diet. I truly resonate with the theories and research I have found about it, and I know doing this will be better than doing nothing. It's going to be a big lifestyle switch for me, but with a little hard work and planning, I know I can do it. I have to.... my life literally depends on it.
The New "Brianna Is Going To Kick Cancer's Butt" Plan:
1. Do Ketogenic Diet everyday.
2. Chant/Mediatate everyday.
3. Dance/Create everyday.
4. Sing everyday.
5. Give Gratitude everyday.
Wish me luck as I move through this rain cloud...
Will update again soon!
"Life is filled with potential that is truly unfathomable. At last we are coming to see the enormous power it possesses. That is why we must never write anyone off. In particular, we mustn’t put boundaries on our own potential. In most cases, our so-called limitations are nothing more than our own decision to limit ourselves."
- President Ikeda
I had a strange and scary reoccuring dream while I was undergoing chemotherapy:
I was on a baseball field by myself, and I was up at bat with one of those pitching machines. The first ball came, and I hit it successfully. The second ball came, and I hit it, but this time not as far. The third ball came, and I missed it completely... The fourth ball came right away, and I missed that one, too. Then the fifth and six came as curve balls, one zoomed past my shoulder, the other other knocked me in the chest. I stumbled to get back on my feet, but the next round of baseballs were flying at me fast. They were picking up more speed, slamming me at all directions. I was on the ground, yelling for help, getting bruised and beaten by these baseballs, but no one was around to hear me.... At this point in the dream I usually woke up.
This is what chemotherapy felt like to me. Helpless. Painful. Alone. Defeated.
I couldn't keep up. With each round, my whole body took a blow, and I didn't have enough time to recover before the next round hit me back down again. It was this constant feeling of growing weaker and weaker, sicker and sicker, and not being able to do anything about it but take the beating and hope your body can make it out alive.
When I heard "I Can't Keep Up" by Tourist, I knew I needed to create movement to it, and I knew that it needed to be inspired by this dream I had....
What do you do when you can't keep up? How do you keep going? Where do you find strength and hope when you have none?
I decided to take on theses answer through my movement.
Photography by Jenna Maslechko
This year, I had the honor of being an Alumni Choreographer for the the Professional Semester Program at Broadway Dance Center, and I chose to give them the challenge. They worked so hard at every rehearsal... and we only had 6 rehearsals to put it all together! Watching their final semester showcase at Alvin Ailey's theater gave me chills and tears of joy.
They truly brought my vision to life. It powerful and magical to watch. The chills down my spine type of good.
The video is coming soon, but here are come beautiful moments for now, captured by Jayna Photography!
It's not every day that I get to work with a student like Claire Shubeck. She is humble, mature beyond her years, super detailed and articulate with her movement, and works hard to execute every picture and extend every line. That being said, it was an honor to create this competition solo for her this year.
We started in a very collaborative way--- journaling in our notebooks, looking at images, sourcing movement organically with no music or counts. I always love working this way in order to create movement that fits the dancer. It is important to me that they feel connected to the movement and self-expressed through the choreography... especially as a soloist.
Thank you, Claire, for working so hard to bring this piece to life. Watching you dance brings me so much joy.. and also chills. I am so incredibly proud of you.
